The Toilet Poem

 I shit here every evening
Upon this toilet seat
Peeling off the loo roll
While staring at my feet
My toe nails they need clipping
But my belly gets in the way
My dick in water is dipping
Like a sail boat in the bay
 There’s someone out there knocking
Hurry up inside
Has a rat crawled up your arse
It smells like you have died
“You’ll have to give it ten” I said
My feet are on the plank
I’m just about to wipe my arse
And then I need to wank
But I don’t have no porno
So I might be a while
I hope I do not miss again
And mess up the shag pile
You could if you wished help me out I said to the voice outside
And if you can’t then just fuck off Man, have a bit of pride
You come across as pervy I said to the leery man
If you can’t help in my time of need
Then who the fucking hell can

 Ninja Squirrel

 I had the strangest feeling
While climbing up a tree
A tingle in my wotnots
And I didn’t need a wee
A squirrel appeared and nutted me
Right there in my nuts
I poked him in his beady eye
And nudged him in the nuts
And then the fucker looked at me
And I thought I heard him say
You pinched my nuts you philistine
Does that mean that you’re gay?
I’ll show you gay you little twat
Came my swift reply
I kneed him in the asshole
And that really made him cry
But that did not deter him
Ninja squirrel he turned out to be
He jumped and kicked me in the balls With a Hiii-ya! 1 2 3
It wasn’t fookin funny
It brought tears to my eyes
Especially when he splayed his claws
And shoved them down my flies
So I grabbed that little bastard
Right around the neck
His cheeky little antics
We’re making me a jibbering wreck
And then he stopped breathing
His lips were turning blue
I’m gonna use his corpse for slippers
And use his guts for glue
And then I had that feeling
I had the time before
So I climed back down off that tree
And knelt and kissed the floor
And the moral of my story
It simply has to be
Don’t take on ninja squirrels
When climbing up a tree
Just take a tip from sorry me
Don’t mess with squirrels ninja
It ain’t the kung fu that’ll fuck you up
Its that most of them are ginger

Two poems written by myself and Mark, a man who makes me laugh
Picks me up when I am down and is the best man in all the world

Just love being creative with you!!!!
Enjoy the poems and I hope they make you laugh so hard you can't breath
Cause thats what happened to us when we wrote them
Oh and if we have offended anybody or any ginger squirrels
BOLLOX !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!