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    October 07

    And now for something completely different

    The Toilet Poem

     I shit here every evening
    Upon this toilet seat
    Peeling off the loo roll
    While staring at my feet
    My toe nails they need clipping
    But my belly gets in the way
    My dick in water is dipping
    Like a sail boat in the bay
     There’s someone out there knocking
    Hurry up inside
    Has a rat crawled up your arse
    It smells like you have died
    “You’ll have to give it ten” I said
    My feet are on the plank
    I’m just about to wipe my arse
    And then I need to wank
    But I don’t have no porno
    So I might be a while
    I hope I do not miss again
    And mess up the shag pile
    You could if you wished help me out I said to the voice outside
    And if you can’t then just fuck off Man, have a bit of pride
    You come across as pervy I said to the leery man
    If you can’t help in my time of need
    Then who the fucking hell can

     Ninja Squirrel

     I had the strangest feeling
    While climbing up a tree
    A tingle in my wotnots
    And I didn’t need a wee
    A squirrel appeared and nutted me
    Right there in my nuts
    I poked him in his beady eye
    And nudged him in the nuts
    And then the fucker looked at me
    And I thought I heard him say
    You pinched my nuts you philistine
    Does that mean that you’re gay?
    I’ll show you gay you little twat
    Came my swift reply
    I kneed him in the asshole
    And that really made him cry
    But that did not deter him
    Ninja squirrel he turned out to be
    He jumped and kicked me in the balls With a Hiii-ya! 1 2 3
    It wasn’t fookin funny
    It brought tears to my eyes
    Especially when he splayed his claws
    And shoved them down my flies
    So I grabbed that little bastard
    Right around the neck
    His cheeky little antics
    We’re making me a jibbering wreck
    And then he stopped breathing
    His lips were turning blue
    I’m gonna use his corpse for slippers
    And use his guts for glue
    And then I had that feeling
    I had the time before
    So I climed back down off that tree
    And knelt and kissed the floor
    And the moral of my story
    It simply has to be
    Don’t take on ninja squirrels
    When climbing up a tree
    Just take a tip from sorry me
    Don’t mess with squirrels ninja
    It ain’t the kung fu that’ll fuck you up
    Its that most of them are ginger

     

    Two poems written by myself and Mark, a man who makes me laugh
    Picks me up when I am down and is the best man in all the world

    Just love being creative with you!!!!
    Enjoy the poems and I hope they make you laugh so hard you can't breath
    Cause thats what happened to us when we wrote them
    Oh and if we have offended anybody or any ginger squirrels
    BOLLOX !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    September 27

    For you xx

     

    A hunger and a yearning

    Burns way down deep inside

    You have relit the passion

    I thought had long since died

    My hands they long to touch you

    My arms they yearn to hold

    Want to tell you all my secrets

    Make you warm when you are cold

    Want to kiss you slow and deeply

    Let you slowly feel my need

    Cause baby I have a hunger

    That only you can feed

    Want to pull you right up close to me

    Place your hands upon my hips

    Need to feel how much you want me

    Hear my name fall from your lips

    Want to make your body tingle

    Make you feel devine

    Wrap myself around you

    Let my body make you mine

    You know its going to happen

    The hunger you can't deny

    So accept the inevitable

    And come give me a try

     

    DIV>
    August 12

    Dad's Memorial 19th August 5 years

     

    As I am going away on my holidays

    With my wonderful boys I am posting

    The memorial to my beloved father early

     

     

    5 long years and not one single day

    Have I not missed you in every way

    Your quirky sense of humour

    Your loving side

    The way you watch over us

    So full of pride

    The twinkle in your eye

    When you gave us cheek

    Your memory makes me strong when I am weak

    How I wish to see you

    Look at your smiling face

    The greatest man I ever knew

    No one could ever take your place

    They say time is a healer

    I don't know if thats true

    There will always be a empty space

    Because we don't have you

    But Dad you never totally died

    The one thing that will be

    A part of you lives on forever

    Way down deep inside of me

     

    DIV>
    July 28

    Someone Somewhere

     

    Somebody somewhere needs me

    Just for a little while

    Some strength and reassurance

    A little comfort and a smile

    They are sat there alone and frightened

    Just don't know what to do

    They simply have not got the strength

    To reach out there to you

    Somewhere someone's crying

    Way down deep inside

    They have not got no self belief

    Their confidence has died

    So many things have happened

    So many roads they've tread

    But now they are sat here feeling lonely

    With a feeling of pure dread

    Someone somewhere needs to sit

    And re evaluate the choice

    She's had the strength to come so far

    She needs to find her voice

    She's confident and beautiful

    An inspiration to so many

    Her strength it doesn't know no bounds

    Her fears, she hasn't any

    But someone somewhere needs to realise

    The journeys ending now I see

    For only now I realise

    That this someone somewhere now is me   

    DIV>
    July 22

    For my brothers wedding

     

    A very special occassion

    Two beautiful souls will sing

    As two precious people become one

    With the exchanging of a ring

    Stood here now before us

    We wonder at the view

    And way up there in heaven

    Two precious people are watching to

    I am so very honoured

    A beautiful moment in my life

    As I sit here proudly watching

    My brother take a wife

    So here's to Nigel and Davina

    Only happiness for you I pray

    And may everyday be as precious

    As this your wedding day

    DIV>
    July 05

    Just call on me

     

      

    If you're ever sad and lonely

    And you need a special friend

    Just call on me

    On my love you can depend

    If you feel that you are falling

    And you don't know what to do

    Just call on me

    I'll be there, I will catch you

    If you sit there and your laughing

    But inside you want to cry

    Just call on me

    I will help you find out why

    If you ever just need someone

    As you don't know what to do

    Just call on me

    I am always there for you

    If you ever think that all is lost

    And you have not got a choice

    Just call on me

    I will be there, I'll be your voice

    I once felt all these feelings

    But I fought, I didn't die

    Just call on me

    And together we will fly

    I give you one quick lesson

    And this is what I teach

    Only fly as high

    As the Angels can still reach

    DIV>
    September 02

    Computer says NO

     

      

    Sat here chatting without a care

    When my worst fear happens

    I'm full of dispair,

    My screen turns blue,

    Nothing will show,

    What am I going to do

    Computer says NO.

    I count to ten,

    Then start it again

    I'm a techno knob,

    And its being a pain,

    Not a single sound,

    Not even a ding,

    Useless piece of junk,

    Not doing a thing,

    I pick up the phone,

    And dial the man,

    It says on my guide,

    He's the man that can,

    I explain to him,

    That nothing will show,

    And he says to me,

    Oh dear computer says NO.

    We will send a van,

    Its in need of repair,

    It won't take long,

    So no need to dispair,

    So they took my baby,

    And I trusted that man,

    As they took it away,

    To the man that can,

    Six days later

    Once again he did show,

    So I turned on my baby,

    Oh no computer says NO.

    They'd replaced the keys,

    Please tell me why, I cried

    Was nothing wrong with them

    Was the hard drive that died

    So they came back again

    And took it away

    I now had a permanent twitch

    Which was daring to stay

    My face all tense

    My movements all jerky

    Poor Sunshine Shelly

    Going internet cold turkey

    I must find a new hobby

    To ease the condition

    Symptons so bad thinking

    House demolition!!!!!

    I tried meditation

    To go with the flow

    But all I kept hearing

    Computer says NO.

    Day's turned to weeks

    I was filled with dread

    I feared the worse

    My poor lappy was dead

    Then I got a call

    That got me excited

    Me and my baby

    To be reunited

    Peace is restored

    My heart skips with joy

    I'm back on the net

    Its my favourite toy

    I love my lappy

    Sad, yes I know

    But never again

    Will computer say NO.

    DIV>
    August 18

    Miss you Dad

     

      

    Words they never say enough

    I hope these few will show

    How much that you are thought about

    Much more then you could know

    You left us 4 long years ago

    We shed a silent tear

    As the pain we felt never goes

    We long to have you here

    A mixed bouquet of memories

    Sprayed with a thousands tears

    As we wish that god had spared you dad

    Just for a few more years

    You fought so hard to stay with us

    It was impossible, but how you tried

    We lost the most precious thing

    On the day Dad that you died

    You're in my every waking thoughts

    At night its to you I pray

    I hold you firmly in my heart

    And that Dad's where you'll stay

    DIV>
    July 02

    Happy Birthday Daniel

     

       

     

    You are so very special

    Kind and loving to

    I have loved you every second

    Since the day I gave birth to you

    You wrap your arms around me

    Hug and squeeze me tight

    As I carry you safely up to bed

    And tuck you in each night

    Its five years since I first held you

    Five years since your birth

    My Daniel there's nothing more precious

    Then you on all this earth

    I love you my precious baby

    It will always be that way

    I wish you a life so perfect

    And a happy 5th birthday

     

      spiderman.jpg happy 18th birthday image by amandalovely472

     

     

     

    DIV>
    March 01

    For you Mum

     

     

     

    I simply want to thank you

    For all the times we've shared

    For all the thing's you've done for me

    And all the times you've cared

    For when you've held me tenderly

    And not Known what to say

    Just being there within your arms

    Has chased the fears away

    And when the road was rocky

    You'd say just chill out for a bit

    I know you have the strength my girl

    So don't you ever quit 

    So sorry that you've sat there

    And you have felt my pain

    But it was your tears that gave me strength

    So they was not in vain

    I simply owe you everything

    For it was you that gave me life

    You've been there for me every day

    Through happy times and strife

    Your beauty is unfaulting

    Reflected in your smile

    A loving heart, the purest soul

    You make my life worthwhile

    I feel so very lucky

    Far more then any other

    For god gave me the greatest gift

    And that was you 

    Dear Mother

    The kindest sweetest person

    Upon whom we can depend

    You aren't just my Mother

    You're also my best friend

     

    Love you Mum with all my heart

    Happy Mother's Day

    xxxx

     

     
     
    DIV>
    August 18

    Miss you dad so much

    I wish I knew that morning

    The pain that day would bring

    A precious heat stopped beating

    A soul no longer sings

    The Angel's sang Amazing grace

    As we stood by and stroked your face

    He saw you suffer and fight in vain

    So decided to remove your pain

    So Jesus came and wispered low

    Come with me Les its time to go

    We shed a tear and heard you groan

    As Jesus carried you safely home

    Its been 3 years since the day

    That Jesus took my dad away

    I miss your smile and your touch

    I miss you with me so very much

    What I would do to hear you say

    Hello Shell, how's you today.

    So dad I want to tell you,

    The one things thats so true,

    The day your heart stopped beating,

    Was the day mine split in two.

     

    Right now I need you so much.

    Rest in Peace Dad

    Leslie passed away 19/ 08/ 2004